Probably one of my biggest grievances is my dog. She is a labradoodle we adopted from PAWS that we affectionately refer to as “the labra-douche”, “douchedog” and “the reason I drink”. She is flaming dickhole on a good day. To be fair to the dog she has come a long way since we got her. She had never been to a vet, never been groomed, was extremely underweight and not housebroken. We obviously suffered from temporary insanity when we decided to take all that on.
This weekend her douchebaggery was at an all time high. I had to run errands and I asked my boys to watch her. I came home to complete and utter chaos. I assumed that I would be able to get ready for a Christmas party that I was supposed to attend with my husband in the evening without issue. I was wrong. I exited my shower to find the dog trying to tear into a bag of chocolate chips (yes, I know they are a doggy no-no) while drinking a 32 oz foam cup full of Pepsi that she stole from the counter and gnawed a hole in. Later when I took her out, I had the “pleasure” of watching her shit out a neon green rubber mouse whole and two Nerf gun arrows that she had obviously ingested while she was under the watchful eyes of my boys. That is isn’t even the worse of it.
We have been crate training our dog since she wasn’t housebroken. At night she goes in the crate to prevent us finding surprises throughout our house. She has a blinding hatred of the crate. She barks most of the night in an effort for early release. So far she had busted out the bottom plastic tray, bent the door that you open to slide the tray in and out, ripped up the carpet under the crate, shredded the cover for the outside of the crate, and shredded the nice pad we bought for the crate then pooped on the remains just in case we had any doubts about how she felt about it. Lately the barking has been less so we figured that finally she was getting used to the crate. 3:45 am my husband gets up to go to the bathroom. He had been sick all weekend and had been waking the dog with every cough and nose blow. He comes back and asks me when I let the dog out of the crate. I told him I hadn’t let her out. She was laying on her back in our doorway. I figured that she bent the crate enough to squeeze out. My husband goes back to bed but I can’t sleep. I’m so curious to find out how she got out that I finally head to the living room. She didn’t squeeze out of the crate. She managed to take the entire front off the crate. Not only did she do that but she managed to do it without waking a single family member. We are pretty sure she is an evil genius.
While I’ve been writing this she got into a box of crayons and ramen noodles. I just cleaned up 5 piles of multicolored ramen barf in various places throughout my house. Between teen boys and the dog, I can feel my hair getting grayer everyday. I thought pets were supposed to add to your life? I’m pretty sure she has ticked away at least five years of mine and we haven’t even had her 3 months! At this rate I’ll be dead by within a year. Anyone want a dog?
Look at that naughty grin!
UPDATE: I wrote this yesterday evening but was waiting to publish until today. Last night we put the dog in her brand new crate. Since she had tasted late night freedom complete bedlam occurred. It looked like a there had been a clown orgy. She bent the crate, destroyed the pan in the bottom, tore up the remaining carpet underneath that and managed to get the pan pieces out of her crate. Man, my dog is an ass!
UPDATE #2: We dropped the kids at church and come home to a loose dog. She escaped the brand new crate. She slid out the remains of the pan and belly crawled out of the tiny door the tray goes in. Considering she ate some Flaming Hot Cheetos earlier in the day, I could have come home to far worse. The dog has now been upgraded to mega-ass.
My latest grievance is with the Peoria Journal Star. I have been a subscriber to their paper on and off for 14 years. In the past two years the service has been shitty on a good day. According to the Journal Star on a weekend you are supposed to have your paper on your doorstep by 7 am. We get ours by 9 am on a good weekend. So I have been calling the Journal Star to complain. Every time I call and complain I get the same assmonkey, who tells me that it is a production problem. I can actually hear the smirk on this dickshit’s face as he tells me. Then I am promptly told that they aren’t doing re-deliveries so if I don’t get a paper too damn bad but they will credit my account. So let me get this straight, I don’t get a paper, get a credit worth $2 for more of their shitty service, then I have to get dressed, get in my car, drive to a store and spend $3 to buy the paper. That math doesn’t exactly add up to me. Then to add insult on injury there are plenty of papers at the store (production problem??) and they are giving out free copies at other stores to try to get new subscribers. It is so nice to know that the subscribers, the people who get the paper regularly enough to keep these douchecanoes in business, are being thrown under the bus in order to get new customers. Peoria Journal Star kiss my ass!
BTW To my carrier who was “nice” enough to give my a Christmas card with his address in it so I can mail him a tip, you’ll get your tip when I get my paper before 7 am, you fuckstain!
All November I watched as friends put what they were thankful for each day. It was basically I love my spouse, kids, family, friends, etc. No offense but boring! Now that it is December and the Thanksgiving lovefest is over someone suggested that this month should be the airing of grievances, which is more traditionally done on Festivus. Of course, I love this.
My grievance for today is people who do the right thing. I’m not suggesting that people do the wrong thing but I absolutely loath people who do the right thing then have to post it all over social media in order to get pats on the back. “My kid found a wallet full of money and turned it in to the police. I’m so proud!” “I helped an old lady at the grocery store.” Let me be the first to say congratulations for being better than everyone else. I really hate to break it to you but those are the things people do. If you think that is such an asskissing accomplishment then how are you living and what are you teaching your kids that makes that act so extraordinary? There are lots of people who help others, donate to charity, and raise their children properly without needing a press release to let the world know about it.
Some people are just douchebags but you forget the level of their douchebaggery until they open up their mouths and confirm it for you.
Today I was on Facebook reading through my friend’s status and found an interesting one about a website: spokeo.com. She was saying how to opt out of this site because it gives personal information such as credit score, occupation, photographs, and household information. I decided to check it out to see what it had to say about me. It was quite interesting….
1. I didn’t know that I was in my late 30s. Thank you spokeo.com for setting me straight obviously my birth certificate is pure lies.
2. I didn’t know that my house has no air conditioning or heating. I guess this winter I’ll need to use my fireplace.. oh wait according to them I don’t have that either.
3. Even though my house has no air conditioning, heating or fireplace it is worth $1M+. Better not tell the county tax assessor.
4. I have 6-7 people living in my household. That must be why when something breaks or goes missing no one does it. It is the extra people ruining it for the rest of us.
So if you treasure your privacy and don’t want everyone in the neighborhood knowing about your million dollar home in the ‘hood go to www.spokeo.com and remove your information.
Today I got a survey phone call. It was recorded and all you could answer was yes, no or repeat. It was being conducted by BBCE. I tried to find out what BBCE was and had no luck.
The first question: “Is Obama doing a good job as President?”
The second question: “Do you feel parents in Chicago should be able to send their children to any school so they don’t have to go to inferior schools?”
Third question: “Would you support a tax increase so Chicago students can get up $6000 a year to attend the school of their choice regardless of religious affiliation?”
Fourth question: “Would you support Chicago students being able to go to the school of their choice without a tax increase?”
Then I was informed that if I wanted Chicago students and the rest of downstate Illinois (You gotta love how that gets slipped in at the end.) to get a quality education I needed to call Jehan Gordon’s office. So it is okay for the rest of us bastards to have bad schools but heaven forbid Chicago kids do. It is okay for our schools to under-perform but if Chicago is suffering we need action and we need it now. Why the fuck should I decide what is best for the douchebags in Chicago? I sure as shit don’t want them deciding what is best for me and my family. I guess it is just the joy of living in Illinois, Chicago’s largest suburb.
I made a promise to myself that I will start blogging more. Right now I have several blogs in the works. There are just too many things pissing me off right now and I need to focus on one at a time. Hopefully, tonight I can sit down, relax and let my fury out. Stay tuned.
I know it has been quite a while but I’ve been having my ass kicked by life. My husband was laid off from a job he had more than ten years in June. Fortunately, he has found another one. Then my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly two days after my birthday.
Since my mom died, I’ve been just going through the motions of life. There are days when getting out of bed is an accomplishment equal to cleaning my house from top to bottom in a day. It has been like trying to control a runaway roller coaster…..impossible.
Lately the blog-gods have been pushing me to blog again. So now I’m trying to jump back into things. I’ve decided that if life is going to insist on give me the finger that I’m going to start giving it right back.
We finally buckled and got facebook pages. The peer pressure was just too much. I must say I am surprised at the people who want to be my friend. I looked up people I considered friends and gave them a friendship request but I’m getting requests from people that I went to school with and didn’t even exchange 5 words with! So do you cave into the pressure and accept their request or do you ignore it? I think we should be able to have personalized options such as:
No, I’d rather pierce my clit with a knitting needle.
No, because your asshat removal surgery obviously was unsuccessful.
You wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire in school and now you want to be my “friend”?!
No, but I hope that STD you spread through out the school cleared up nicely.
Yes, because even though I can’t stand you, I don’t have the self esteem to turn you down. I guess I’d rather have 342 “friends” I hate with a passion than only 27 that I love dearly.
It is so interesting to see the high school politics playing out on the internet. Everyone wants shit loads of popular friends. No one has the balls to deny the “cool” people. Well I’m going to stick with the people I consider friends or want to be friends with and try not to get sucked into all the bullshit.
I journeyed across the river to East Peoria today. First I went to Super Walmart. I was looking at cabinet hardware and wanted to see if they had anything. On my way back to the home improvement section there is a kiosk with little cups full of of gummy vitamins. No one is attending the kiosk and people are taking cups of vitamins at their leisure. WTF? Too much vitamins can make you sick. And vitamins that look like and taste like candy are just asking for trouble. Shit, when I go to the grocery store my kids have to get my permission before the woman will give them a sample of potato chips.
Walmart WTF #2
As I am wandering around Walmart I head for the book section. I enjoy books, especially at a discount. There I noticed something else that made me go “WTF?”. The books are divided by category, nothing new there, but I noticed that the inspirational section was quite white. There was only one book by a black author. Then next to that section there was a section of books that had black people on the cover and black authors. One of the authors I know to be a black preacher so why isn’t he in the inspirational section? Why does Walmart feel the need to segregate their books?
After Walmart I head for Lowe’s to return something and then go to Deals. I absolutely love dollar stores! I always find some treasure there. I must admit that I was disappointed when Deals changed their prices and now they have nothing over $5 but I’ll live. So I am wandering through Deals and I find these plastic wine goblets with monkeys on them! Some people know my love of monkeys and know a few inside bits involving monkeys so I had to get me and my best friend a monkey wine glass. Then I find a shirt marked down to $1. I had to get it because it said something about Lady Plumber’s Union and it had a plunger on it. You don’t find many shirts with plungers on them so you have to get while the getting is good! So I am feeling proud of myself and my odd finds. I grab a few more odds and ends and go pay. The cashier seemed really on the ball and friendly until I paid. My total was $6.27. I gave him $20.27. He typed it in the computer and it said to give me back $14. He just couldn’t seem to handle it. He finally manages to give me my $14 and I head out to the car. I sit down and put my seat belt on when I notice my fly is open. Not a little open, like a gaping wide mouthed grin! No wonder he couldn’t make change! At least I had panties on! For further reference the sight of pink panties gets boy cashiers all kinds of flustered.
So I headed home and now I am waiting to see what other adventures I will be having!