I took the suggestion of one of the commenters and went to the East Peoria Walmart to shop. I quickly found out that Peoria doesn’t have the market cornered for stupidity. First, as I was pulling into the parking lot a girl was walking and some random guy in the car in front of me hollered at her that he would give her a ride. Without any hesitation she jumps in the car. So if a blonde girl with a bubble butt is missing she got in a red sports car with a guy in a blue ballcap. Second, I was shopping in the store when over the loud speaker someone asks the bus driver to please come to the front of the store or the bus will leave without you! Third and finally an old lady had her panties in a twist because the woman in line ahead of me in the 20 items or less line had 22 items. Peoria was looking better by the minute. So as I leave Walmart I think maybe the dumbasses have been migrating to other areas then it happened. As I was crossing the Bob Michel bridge there was a sign that said the left lane was closed. When I got closer it was the right lane that was closed. Cornering the market on stupidity is another thing the city of Peoria just doesn’t want East Peoria to have!

My seven year old son posed an interesting question to me out of the blue. He asked, “If you lived in a port-a-potty and only had $1 to get what you needed, what would you buy?” . I honestly don’t know where that question came from but it was so entertaining that I had to post it!

I was reading Brad’s Blog  and he had a blog about the HazMat team.  All stores have signs that tell what kind of hazardous material may be lurking inside.  Today I went to Kroger’s on Wisconsin to get a jug of milk and I noticed the sign.  I was wondering what type of hazardous material lies within Krogers.  After my voyage I have the answer:

The smell of cheap liquor and stale cigarettes.  This hazardous smell is especially bad on Sunday morning about 15 minutes before it is legal to sell alcohol.

Body odor. The first of the month is leave your deodorant at home day!  They must give prizes because it gets pretty rank.

Ass.  

Body spray.  The body spray is applied by jumping in a 50 gallon drum of Axe and swimming around for about an hour.  You want them girls to come running!

Now that you know some the hazardous materials housed with in the Kroger on Wisconsin you can decide just how bad you need that 40 ounce! 

Yesterday Michael Vick plead guilty to federal charges in his dog fighting case. Afterwards he came out and took responsibility for his actions and told everyone he found Jesus. Once again another famous person finds Jesus after getting into trouble. Being that he is Jesus, I am surprised he gets lost so often!

Today is my birthday and my husband informed me that the gift I covet the most is not going to happen. I want a taser. I want one with the prongs and everything, not a stun gun. I even seen a pretty pink one on some news channel. Here are his reasons why I can’t have a taser:

I will taser him.

I will taser him in his sleep.

I will taser him while playing “The Game”. (If you don’t know what “The Game” is rent the movie “Waiting” and you will see. By the way our neighborhood plays “The Game”!)

I will let our neighbors taser him.

I personally think he is being totally unreasonable but such is life. I shall continue to covet the pretty pink taser and maybe if I am a good East Bluff Barbie Santa will bring it to me for Christmas!

The Civic Center is in the red again doesn’t expect to make money anytime soon. They said that if you had a few more events they could make money. Since they don’t have any incentive to bring events to the area (All of us fork over money whether they need it or not), I have some suggestions of events to bring people and money to the Civic Center.

The Gangbangers Ball- This is a formal event, only your best do rags, Nikes and jerseys. There will be a fashion show with all the latest gansta styles and a demonstration on gang initiations.

Drug producers trade show- This event will have the latest technology and techniques in drug production and distribution. The concession sales from the booth located next to the pot producers alone would probably be enough to put the Civic Center in the black but those pesky mobile meth lab explosions will probably send them right back to the red again.

Prostitution Convention- Learn all the “tricks” of the trade. Free penicillin to the first 150 conventioneers!

See we can make the Civic Center profitable. It just takes us putting the Peoria slant on this succubus to do it!

I was on my way to the store to buy taco ingredients (Thanks, Kevin Lowe!) when a commercial came on the radio about the zoo needing money for expansion. The commercial then changes to a little kid asking his mother if monkeys can talk. The mother then tells her child that no monkeys can’t talk and explains that if we don’t cough up money for the new museum other kids will be this stupid too. Well, get out your checkbooks! Heaven forbid we have anymore idiot kids than we already do! I’m so relieved that it the lack of a new museums fault that kids around here are morons and not District 150s, irresponsible parents, etc.

I’ve been watching the flood coverage on TV and some of these people have the completely wrong attitude about having their homes surrounded with water. So here are some of the great things about flooding:

Fishing from the comfort of your recliner. You may not catch a fish but you just might snag your neighbor’s pink flamingo lawn ornament.

Free boat rides and if your really lucky you might even get a helicopter ride!

Water aerobics are fabolous exercise.

Your hip-waders are now fashionable. Everyone is wearing them and if not they are just dying to get a pair!

Don’t let the flood get you down. FEMA is on the way and since they did such a top notch job in New Orleans I’m sure you will be just peachy!

Being the first week of school, my children have brought home mountains of information from their school and the district.  My favorite came from the desk of Ken Hinton.  It was a note talking about their Crisis plan.  To paraphrase:

Don’t come to the school or crisis area

Don’t call District 150

Don’t talk to your children on their cell phones

If you want information check the District 150 website.

I don’t know about you but this sounds perfectly sensible to  me.  How can District 150 turn “Tom got shot by Jimmy.” into “Hey, Jimmy got an A in Marksmanship 101!” if the parents have access to all those pesky little facts.

My neighbor called me and told me she seen a story on the 5 o’clock news that District 150 had some secret meeting and the news media was not allowed to report on it until 10 o’clock.  Don’t you love free press?!  I’m pretty sure I can translate what is going on. 

Taxpaying Citizens:  Bend over and Grab your ankles!  Here we come and we forgot the lube!