Today I woke up at 6:45 am, which really pissed me off because the kids spent the night at my parents house and I didn’t have to get up. At 7:45 I finally get up the gumption to go out and get the newspaper. When I open the door there is my newspaper and a bag of treats with my name on it. I take my paper and the bag inside. Inside the bag is a sheet that informs me that I have been “boo’d”. I am now instructed to make 2 treat bags within 2 days and secretly deliver them to friends/neighbors. I have decided against traditional treats for my bags. I think I’ll just stick with booze. So if you find a bag with a full bottle of liquor on your steps, you have just been “boo’d” by the East Bluff Barbie!

For everyone who is now contemplating putting turtles in their mouths:

Once again more nude/racy of Vanessa Hudgens, star of High School Musical have surfaced. This prompted me to get up on my soap box and offer some advice to teenage girls: DON’T TAKE NAKED/RACY PICTURES OF YOURSELF!

The first question I pose to a teenage girl is: What is the general purpose of a photograph? As a former photographer, I can tell you that the purpose of a photograph is to preserve a memory and to be able to look at something again.

Being that teenagers can be cruel, my second question is: Do you really think someone won’t put the pictures on the internet or use them for nefarious purposes? I can just hear the teenage boys now, “Trust me, baby, no one will see it but you and me (and 20 of my “closest” guy friends).”

So unless you really want to know what your coochie looked like when you were sixteen as opposed to what it looks like later in life, I strongly suggest you keep your clothes on for pictures.

Yesterday in the Journal Star there was an article about a man getting busted for selling undersized turtles. In the seventies they made a law that made it illegal to sell turtles under four inches because stupid kids would put them in their mouths and get sick. First item of disclosure, I had turtles as pets growing up. It never occured to me to put a turtle in my mouth because my parents raised me to have common sense. My brother never put a turtle in his mouth, once again that common sense thing. It sucks that stupidity has to be legislated. In the past, idiots putting turtles in their mouths may have been seen as natural selection.

Since undersized turtles are such a crime fighting priority, I now have a new approach for getting rid of the drug houses in the neighborhood. Since the police don’t care if the area residents are offered drugs and have to put up with the bullshit that goes along with having a major drug supply house for the city a few blocks down and over (an officer informed us of that), I am just going to start calling the police to report turtle selling. That seems to get their attention and nets results. So drug/turtle dealers you are officially on notice. Selling turtles doesn’t play in Peoria but drugs, hey, what the hell!

As you may have read the sewers are being worked on on my block of the street.  Friday morning I was awakened to the sound of machinery trying to bust up the road in front of my house and driveway.  My first thought was “Shit, they must have read my blog!”  So I ask if I can get my car out and move it so I am not trapped in my driveway all weekend.  The man made sure I didn’t put the minivan in ass first in the giant hole.  Then I knew no one had read my blog.

Friday’s work day consisted of digging for 15 minutes, looking in the hole for 45 minutes, then repeat.  In the afternoon my youngest comes running in to tell me one of the workers is dead.  I go to the window and see the man laying  on my neighbors lawn.  I explained that he wasn’t dead he was resting.  Then everyone else rested until it was time to secure the hole.  They put up some orange netting and wrapped it around saw horses and left.  I was very sad looking.  Then the ideas came.  How much fun would it be to see someone fall in the hole!   Now we have our new entertainment. 

Friday night, no one falls in the whole or even comes close to falling/driving into the hole.  Sadness washes over us all.

Saturday night, no one falls in the hole but there is new challenge because someone parks right next to the hole, making only one way around it.  It was a little more fun to watch but no such luck.

Sunday, I find a gray tarp in my basement and contemplate moving the saw horses and the netting over to the only open area next to the  hole and covering the hole with the tarp.  The only way through would be “over” the hole.  We also try to “sweeten the pot” to try to get someone in the hole.  One of my neighbors sees a thug looking kid walking down the street and says loudly “How are we going to get all that crack out of the hole?”  Still no takers.  I even checked the hole for foot prints just in case we missed something.

Now they are filling in our hole so we are left with an empty feeling inside since no one fell in the hole.  I guess we will just have to stick with “The Game”.

BTW - We still haven’t moved the port-a-crapper but I noticed that it is on a small trailer on wheels.  Things just got a little easier.  We were thinking about putting a severed head on the seat and getting one of the motion detector Halloween things that screams that way when they open the door, they see the head and hear a scream.  I just don’t think the ambulance would be able to get through if one of the older gentlemen dropped dead so we kind of nixed that one.  Any suggestions, other than tipping it?

Yesterday they were supposed to start work on the sewer on my block.  The prior three days they have been painting lines and marking things.  The previous day they dropped off some digging equipment and the all important port-a-crapper.  Yesterday I figured they were ready for business.  After 9 they started etching the road which washed away the majority of the paint they “labored” on for 3 days.  Things then were pretty quiet.  I looked outside at 11:45 and the workers are sitting on the sidewalk down the street.  I figure it is lunch time and go about my day.  At 1:50 they are all still down the street sitting on the sidewalk.  That must have been some lunch!  A bit later a dump truck comes and dumps a load of gravel in front of my neighbors house.  Then a tractor comes, gets a scoop of gravel, goes down the street,  and puts up the road closed sign.  Everyone is gone by 3:00.  Our tax dollars at work!

BTW:  What is the best way to move a port-a-crapper, without tipping it, and about how many people do you think that would take?  Just Curious

Today my kids came home more hyped up than usual.  They each handed me the packettes for the annual PTO fundraiser.  After their motivational assembly they had at school, my kids don’t quite understand why they can’t sell 150 items to get the Nintendo Wii.  Here are some of the the more craptastic items for sale:

Peace on Earth candle- I didn’t know that peace smelled like a Macintosh apple and cost $18!

Spinach Dip Mix- Just add sour cream, mayo and spinach!  How does spending $10 on this help me make dip?

Tea Bag Storage Container- For $16 my tea bags can be stored “elegantly”.

Key Covers- Heaven forbid my keys not be stylin’ with a Hawaiian shirt cover for $7.

I’m sure you are all hoping I knock on your door.  You know your life won’t be complete without these items!

It seems my basement has been overtaken by spiders. Maybe they are the ones displaced by our cleaning of the garage. Being that I live in the East Bluff, I think it is more likely these are the kind of spiders that have invaded my house:

I just read Phil Luciano’s column in the Journal Star and boy, was I relieved!  Since I have no Webkinz in my household I can quit worrying about crime.  Now I can not worry about getting murdered, raped, robbed, assaulted, or any of the other terrible things that happen in this city.   Why should I care about the drug houses all over the city that operate without fear when Webkinz are missing?  Thank you Phil for putting crime in Peoria in perspective!

Since the weather is more clement many of us have had our windows open to enjoy the break from the heat.  Now we have the pleasure of hearing all the East Bluff mamas yelling for their babies.  Here are the top names in the East Bluff:

Mother Fucker - This one is quite popular!  Not only will a mother name one of her children Mother Fucker but she will call all her children Mother Fucker.  The East Bluff must have a lot of George Forman fans.  I guess it is more convenient to just have to remember one name.

Little Bastard - Not quite as popular as Mother Fucker but you can still find plenty Little Bastards roaming the East Bluff.

Son of a Bitch - Once again this doesn’t have the following of Mother Fucker but still makes it on the list.

I am severly disappointed in the creativity levels of these parents.  There have to be more demoralizing names they can call their children.  I just don’t think they are trying hard enough.  But then again, I guess the classic names never die!