I was going through my comments in moderation today and there was a giant (almost a full page) comment that was all porn sites. As I am scrolling down to get to the spam button I notice something that intrigued me. There was a porn site of hairy housewives. Already deleted it but I am curious. Are these housewives that don’t shave? Are these housewives with beards, moustaches and back hair? I never knew hairy women were a such a fetish to be listed in my giant porn comment!

Yesterday, I was opening our mail not really paying a whole lot of attention when I find an invite for a reception for John Morris. (Disclaimer: My husband and I know John & Cindy through our children’s school. We think they are really nice people and have attended John’s open house several months ago.) There was the invite and the reply card. The reply card was the usual - how many people are coming, can’t attend but will contribute, contribute for signs, ads, mailings, etc. Then for campaign finance purposes it asks for your name, address, occupation and employer. Not knowing if my husband wants to attend or not I am about to start filling out the name and address section. I flip over the envelope to see if it is address to Brad or Bradley when I discover that the invite is not addressed to us. It is addressed to the lady who lived in our house before we did (we have lived here 9 years). Did I also mention that she has been dead for almost 10 years? Now I really want to fill out the comment card:

Name: Mrs. M.J.C.
Address: insert random cemetary address
Occupation: Landscaper
Then I’d write a little note:
I regret that I am unable to attend and contribute. Landscaping has been slow, considering I’ve been fertilizing the same plot for almost ten years and I have no new business. Considering that I haven’t voted in at least 9 years (or have I?), I am really surprised that you dug up my name and former address. As much as I am dying to attend, I really must decline.
Dig Ya Later,
Mrs. M.J.C.

I did end up calling John Morris’ campaign office and letting them know that they are inviting dead people to the reception. They are taking Mrs. M.J.C off their list and letting her rest in peace!

Bloggers seem to be clearing out lately.  First Scott Janz and now the Peoria AntiPundit is calling it quits.  I can only speculate the reasons why:

Is Scott Janz going undercover for Code Enforcement?  Did they woo him away with promises of not riding his ass like a Harley and letting him live in peace?

Is the AntiPundit Barbara Van Auken’s new personal assistant?  Will I be seeing him hanging ornamental lighting and arbors all over her district at the taxpayers’ expense?

Whatever the reasons they are leaving, they will be missed and I wish them the best of luck in whatever they do in the future.  Hopefully we will continue to see them around the blogs.  They are welcome anytime on mine.  Best wishes!

In Sydney, Australia Santas are no longer allowed to say “ho ho ho”. They are now instructed to say “ha ha ha” because that is less offensive to women. If the department store Santa says “ho ho ho” and you get offended then you probably are a ho. Aren’t there greater things in this world to be concerned about than this?

My middle son has been home sick the past couple of days. He has so graciously shared his illness with me. So yesterday we spent the day in my bed watching Scooby Doo on Cartoon Network. First we watched The “New” Scooby Doo Movies (1972) with special guest Sandy Duncan. Then we watched Scooby Doo Where Are You? (1969), in my opinion the definative Scooby Doo series. Finally ending with What’s New Scooby Doo (200?), where the theme song is performed by Simple Plan and Fred finally ditches that damn neckerchief. At least they did not play any episodes with Scrappy Doo because we all know he is the Anti-Christ and anyone who thinks otherwise is in league with dark forces. The only way it could have been more entertaining was if the rest of the day was devoted to Dexter’s Laboratory.

Fortunately everyone is back to school today. I still feel rotten so I am going to take it easy and watch some more Scooby Doo, of course!

I have read several blogs about Thanksgiving. Some are dreading it, others are excited to get together with family and friends. I have decided to share one of my fond Thanksgiving memories.

The year is 1991. My grandfather had died the August prior and I am in the second half of high school. We went to my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving. First, my grandmother will say whatever she wants to whoever she wants without a second thought. She is sort of a local celebrity in the small town she lives in. The mood is pretty somber without Grandpa. We are all gathered at the dinner table and my Grandma starts to tell a story. She was telling us how she needed something from the top shelf of the pantry. Instead of calling my aunt who is less than 5 minutes away she decides to climb the shelves of the pantry, like a small child would. She almost gets to the item she needs when she lost her balance and fell. She landed straddling the garbage can. Then she uttered the words that no one at Thanksgiving 1991 will ever forget “I really hurt my pussy when I fell. Good thing I don’t use it anymore!” Then on with dinner like nothing ever happened. Oh the memories!!

BTW- We will be spending Thanksgiving with the same Grandma this year so I may have a tale or two next week!!

Today has been one of those days. I start my day at the gas station and assume that since I am the only car there I will get in and out with ease. I pump my gas and go in to pay. There are two large black women in there buying ice cream and lottery tickets. Everytime their transaction is just about done they manage to scrape up yet another dollar for another scratch off ticket. They can’t just pick any ticket either. For the amount of time and thought they put into the process you would have thought it was a major life decision. Finally they are done buying lottery tickets and have moved onto trying to pronounce the cashier’s name correctly. After a few more minutes of that they leave and I am able to pay for my gas and start on my errands.

Next stop Schnuck’s. I have my list and am ready to rock and roll. Some creepy old guy kept running into me and smiling. I guess I am glad that I gave him something to smile about. Other than that Schnuck’s is uneventful.

Next destination Dollar Tree. Once again I have my list in hand and am ready to go. As I am entering Dollar Tree a woman turns her head and sneezes in my face! I am pretty horrified. It was nasty but I’m not going to let it ruin my day. As I am in the Dollar Tree this old woman kept following me around and asking me what I was buying. I understand that the elderly get lonely and I don’t mind talking to them but I hate having to explain my purchases. I finally go to pay. I am writing a check and the young black man working there asks me for my I.D. I get out my license and he says “Man, you really looked young!” So I guess I look like a sea hag now. Thank you.

Next is Kroger’s. I go in and start my shopping, once again with list in hand. I get to the cereal aisle and there is a young mother with her cart across the whole aisle. She is busy reading boxes of granola bars so she does not care that no one can get through. By this time I have had it. Do I yell at her? Do I move her cart for her? I have a much better plan than that. I show the 4 year old in her cart that I am buying Lucky Charms. I wave the box in front of him and he starts in on his mom. He is yelling “I want cereal. I want cereal.”. I feel alittle better and having an annoyed 4 year old is far worse than anything I could have said or done.

Finally last errand is the Cub Scout store to get my sons their books. I have given up on the rest of my errands by now. As I an getting ready to walk through the parking lot there is a shady looking guy on a bike watching me. By now I am like bring it on, I will rip your dick off and beat you to death with it. I think he sensed that I would not be messed with and kept on riding. So I go buy my books and start heading home.

I get myself home and start unloading all my stuff and something I bought at Dollar Tree is missing. I called the store and they pretty much said so what. I guess they didn’t understand the concept that I paid for merchandise that I did not receive. If I want my sparkling snowflake ornaments, I guess I will have to go in and buy them again and have someone else sneeze in my face!

This Halloween started off on a bad foot early. My kids came home from school and dumped their candy and started sorting it. These little asshats in training who are “babysat” at the drug house come to my porch door and holler “You givin’ Snickers?” My boys showed them the Crunch bars we were handing out. Then the douchebaggery was afoot. They started bitching and beating the shit out of my door. I told my kids to tell them that we were going to eat and I would pass out candy after dinner. Then they started shoving rocks (which they stole from someone’s driveway) under my porch door. I couldn’t even open the door. So I decided I would eat my dinner on my porch. They started coming down the sidewalk, seen me and ran back to the “babysitter’s”. Next they manage to rustle up an adult to come with them to my house so they can get some of our “awful” candy. Once again the wheels in my head start turning. I am going to personalize my candy for select kids, you know the ones that are dicks. Just like conversation hearts, I would have a special bowl of candy for these “special” children with sayings such as:

Use the Sidewalk!
U R an Ass
Fuck you
Trick or Treat MotherFucker (Kid: “hey, how did they know my name?”)
That isn’t chocolate!

Then a sad truth was pointed out to me. Most of my target group probably can’t read anyway so I would be wasting my time.