Askewed News » Halloween http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com Sarcasm you can depend on! Wed, 13 May 2009 21:28:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 en hourly 1 Halloween recap http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/11/01/halloween-recap/ http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/11/01/halloween-recap/#comments Thu, 01 Nov 2007 16:35:49 +0000 http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/11/01/halloween-recap/ This Halloween started off on a bad foot early. My kids came home from school and dumped their candy and started sorting it. These little asshats in training who are “babysat” at the drug house come to my porch door and holler “You givin’ Snickers?” My boys showed them the Crunch bars we were handing out. Then the douchebaggery was afoot. They started bitching and beating the shit out of my door. I told my kids to tell them that we were going to eat and I would pass out candy after dinner. Then they started shoving rocks (which they stole from someone’s driveway) under my porch door. I couldn’t even open the door. So I decided I would eat my dinner on my porch. They started coming down the sidewalk, seen me and ran back to the “babysitter’s”. Next they manage to rustle up an adult to come with them to my house so they can get some of our “awful” candy. Once again the wheels in my head start turning. I am going to personalize my candy for select kids, you know the ones that are dicks. Just like conversation hearts, I would have a special bowl of candy for these “special” children with sayings such as:

Use the Sidewalk!
U R an Ass
Fuck you
Trick or Treat MotherFucker (Kid: “hey, how did they know my name?”)
That isn’t chocolate!

Then a sad truth was pointed out to me. Most of my target group probably can’t read anyway so I would be wasting my time.

]]> http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/11/01/halloween-recap/feed/ 5 I’ve been Boo’d http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/09/30/ive-been-bood/ http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/09/30/ive-been-bood/#comments Mon, 01 Oct 2007 01:06:23 +0000 http://askewednews.blogpeoria.com/2007/09/30/ive-been-bood/ Today I woke up at 6:45 am, which really pissed me off because the kids spent the night at my parents house and I didn’t have to get up. At 7:45 I finally get up the gumption to go out and get the newspaper. When I open the door there is my newspaper and a bag of treats with my name on it. I take my paper and the bag inside. Inside the bag is a sheet that informs me that I have been “boo’d”. I am now instructed to make 2 treat bags within 2 days and secretly deliver them to friends/neighbors. I have decided against traditional treats for my bags. I think I’ll just stick with booze. So if you find a bag with a full bottle of liquor on your steps, you have just been “boo’d” by the East Bluff Barbie!

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