Eleven years ago today I was up at Methodist scared out of my mind getting ready to give birth to my first son. I was trying for the natural childbirth but changed my mind after the good contractions started. I had one epidural that didn’t take. They gave me my test dose for my second one when I announced to my husband that I had to push. He got the nurse and low and behold I was ready to push with only my test dose of epidural! My son was born with the cord wrapped around his next and was whisked off to the nursery.
Even though we already agreed on a name, my husband wanted to name our first born Elvis since he was born on Elvis Presley’s birthday. I said absolutely not. He countered with have you ever heard of an Elvis that wasn’t famous (Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello)? I said you don’t generally hear of Elvis the service station attendant unless he goes nuts and kills a bunch of people.
A week after he was born we finally got to take home our 8 pound 1 ounce bundle of joy who, by the way, is not named Elvis!
Happy Birthday Bubba*!
*Bubba is a nickname and not our chosen name for our child 
I hope everyone had happy holidays. We had a pretty good Christmas. My boys got me a margarita machine (they obviously know what Mom likes). I have had several “what was I thinking?” moments. The first one stems from buying my youngest son a harmonica. He follows me around and wants me to play name that tune. I have just started naming outrageous songs. He keeps telling me “No Mom it’s not Free Bird, it’s jingle bells.” or No Mom it’s not Metallica, it’s here comes the bride.” Santa also provided his oldest brother with a guitar. Santa obviously forgot the tylenol for my stocking after a “hot jam session”.
We went out and did massive amounts of errand running and ended up with lots of snack foods because I was shopping hungry. My youngest asked about New Year’s Eve while we were shopping. I told him we had lots of snack food and unless we end up going somewhere we would just stay up and eat that stuff. He then asked where he and his brothers would be if Mom and Dad had somewhere to go. I told him they would go to Grandma’s and then he said “You suck.” Thanks son and I love you too!
If I don’t get a chance to post before then have a safe and happy New Year!!
This Halloween started off on a bad foot early. My kids came home from school and dumped their candy and started sorting it. These little asshats in training who are “babysat” at the drug house come to my porch door and holler “You givin’ Snickers?” My boys showed them the Crunch bars we were handing out. Then the douchebaggery was afoot. They started bitching and beating the shit out of my door. I told my kids to tell them that we were going to eat and I would pass out candy after dinner. Then they started shoving rocks (which they stole from someone’s driveway) under my porch door. I couldn’t even open the door. So I decided I would eat my dinner on my porch. They started coming down the sidewalk, seen me and ran back to the “babysitter’s”. Next they manage to rustle up an adult to come with them to my house so they can get some of our “awful” candy. Once again the wheels in my head start turning. I am going to personalize my candy for select kids, you know the ones that are dicks. Just like conversation hearts, I would have a special bowl of candy for these “special” children with sayings such as:
Use the Sidewalk!
U R an Ass
Fuck you
Trick or Treat MotherFucker (Kid: “hey, how did they know my name?”)
That isn’t chocolate!
Then a sad truth was pointed out to me. Most of my target group probably can’t read anyway so I would be wasting my time.
Since the city of Peoria and the Police department in their infinite has decided to drop the jaywalking tickets in exchange for sitting through an assembly, it is making my job as a responsible parent harder. With children thinking they can whine their way out of punishment I am now having to become more creative in the way I discipline my boys. I thought hey why not apply my new proven punishment to this situation. Now when my kids start acting up and threatening to call the ACLU (see what the protesters taught our kids), I make them sit in a chair and listen to the ABBA song “Dancing Queen”. I think the whole assembly should be a tribute to ABBA. “Dancing Queen”, “Waterloo” and if they really are defiant “Fernando”. I’m sure the NAACP with say that it is cruel and unusual punishment. But if it is good enough for my kids, surely, in the name of equality it is good enough for these kids.
Last night we went out to Sommer Park for the hot dog roast and hayrack ride with the Cub Scout pack. I was dreading going because I sneeze pretty much all year long and I was unsure what the exposure to hay would do to my sinuses. We had a pretty good time.
First we got our hot dogs and roasted them as a photographer from the Journal Star took pictures. He said they may be in the paper today and online. We don’t get the paper so I am unsure if my kids are in it but I did find a picture of two of them online. The baked beans were excellent. My husband doesn’t like baked beans and he even thought they were good. Then it was time for smores. I don’t care for smores so I sat with our oldest while Brad and the other two roasted their marshmallows. My youngest got tired of waiting for a spot to roast his marshmallows so he put his smore together cold and ate it that way.
After the food, most of the scouts gathered on the playground as the adults tried to get everyone organized so we could go on our ride as a group. My boys were on the tire swing being spun around as they were swinging yelling, “Make us puke! Make us puke!” That is all we need is my kids puking on the hayrack. There were too many of us to go on one ride so we had to split up. Our kids were mad we made them go with us instead of their friends but hey, we are fun too! My husband was kind enough to point out the giant “land mine” left by one of the horses right by were we exit the hayrack. At least we all missed it. All and all it was a pretty good time.
BTW: my blog is acting up so I couldn’t link to the picture of my kids. So you can play guess which kids belong to East Bluff Barbie, if you go to the Journal Star and check them out!
I have never been so glad to have put my kids on the bus as I was this morning. We have had a full weekend and I am ready for a break. Saturday, Brad and I attended my friend’s wedding while the boys went to InPlay for a birthday party. The birthday boy’s mom and grandma were kind enough to let all three of my boys attend the party and let them come to their house afterward so we wouldn’t miss the wedding reception. I thank them for that.
Sunday, was basement cleaning day. All three of the boys got in trouble Friday so we made a deal that they got to go to InPlay only if they helped me clean the basement. About an hour and a half into the cleaning I was starting to wonder who was really being punished them or me. By the time four o’clock rolled around and I didn’t have as much done as I wanted and the boys were bickering and underfoot. I called my husband and told him that I need a bottle of watermelon Boone’s Farm. He came to the rescue with not one bottle but two and they were cold so none of that pesky waiting for them to get cold in the freezer. I was pretty much ready for bed by nine thirty.
Monday, I was sore as I could be from my basement adventure Sunday. I thought that I really should finish but I figured that I will work on it today before the trash comes tomorrow. The boys were at each other again. I was cursing Christopher Columbus most of the day and thankful that I had another bottle of Boone’s farm for after the kids went to bed. I ended up too tired for my Boone’s and just went to bed. Whoo, Whoo What a weekend!
Once again more nude/racy of Vanessa Hudgens, star of High School Musical have surfaced. This prompted me to get up on my soap box and offer some advice to teenage girls: DON’T TAKE NAKED/RACY PICTURES OF YOURSELF!
The first question I pose to a teenage girl is: What is the general purpose of a photograph? As a former photographer, I can tell you that the purpose of a photograph is to preserve a memory and to be able to look at something again.
Being that teenagers can be cruel, my second question is: Do you really think someone won’t put the pictures on the internet or use them for nefarious purposes? I can just hear the teenage boys now, “Trust me, baby, no one will see it but you and me (and 20 of my “closest” guy friends).”
So unless you really want to know what your coochie looked like when you were sixteen as opposed to what it looks like later in life, I strongly suggest you keep your clothes on for pictures.
Today my kids came home more hyped up than usual. They each handed me the packettes for the annual PTO fundraiser. After their motivational assembly they had at school, my kids don’t quite understand why they can’t sell 150 items to get the Nintendo Wii. Here are some of the the more craptastic items for sale:
Peace on Earth candle- I didn’t know that peace smelled like a Macintosh apple and cost $18!
Spinach Dip Mix- Just add sour cream, mayo and spinach! How does spending $10 on this help me make dip?
Tea Bag Storage Container- For $16 my tea bags can be stored “elegantly”.
Key Covers- Heaven forbid my keys not be stylin’ with a Hawaiian shirt cover for $7.
I’m sure you are all hoping I knock on your door. You know your life won’t be complete without these items!
Last night my kids were watching Adult Swim on TV. For anyone who doesn’t know what Adult Swim is it is on Cartoon Network after ten every night and the cartoons are more geared towards teens and adults. I let my kids watch Futurama last night because it wasn’t an episode that was inappropriate. There was a commercial on for one of the new Adult Swim shows that I hadn’t seen yet (I am a semi avid viewer). The commercial was for the latest episode of Lucy, daughter to the Devil. The newest episode airing today is about the Devil opening a dildo factory. So two of my sons turn to me and ask what a dildo is. I did what every good mother does. I told them to ask their father, as I am trying not to laugh. My one son told me that he knows I know because I was smirking. My husband told him that he didn’t know either. Then I had to tell them not to speak of this again! All I need is a call from the school that one of my kids asked his teacher what a dildo is and then tell them that they seen it on TV!
January 8, 2008 4:25 pm | 
Comments (9) 